Being in an adult environment, wondering what could happen and what friends I could possibly make, but what I realised was a valuable lesson on the general population, or neurotypicals in general. One person leaves the class and everyone begins to chat about the person who just left, throwing a few rude remarks, when they enter the classroom all goes back to normal and behaves as if they didn’t just say rude things about this person. On my lunch breaks, I decide to try to be social and sit around a few people. From their perspective I’m just boring and quiet, from my perspective I am being haunted by the fact their conversations have to be about bringing others down or pointing out irrelevant information about others. I thought after school maybe adults would be somewhat different, but they are worse. I try my best to at least attempt to get in on it, but I just don’t understand what is happening. I can’t socialise and make friends with people who make me feel haunted and sad. People love to be negative and sly constantly,, and it scares me away and drives me back into isolation. Maybe it’s not them, maybe it’s just me? I am living in a world with a foreign language. It’s a very alienating experience trying to socialise with others, and it’s been like that since I was a kid, but being an adult, everything is my responsibility, and my awareness is getting to that point where I realise that I have no idea of my senses around me. I can present as normal, behaving as in an agreeable manner, but inside I’m afraid of the people around me, that I can’t understand them. I walk around very loud cars, repugnant architecture and feel alone and overloaded from the environment around me. I feel better on my own, but I don’t want to be alone. Every day, I just can’t wait to get back home, drained from my surroundings to be away and alone from everything, play some games to dissociate, I pretend everything is okay, and that I belong, close my eyes and wait until the next day of suffering begins. I have no sense of belonging anywhere, and I’m searching for it.
